Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
