just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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