I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
