I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
