i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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