we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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