how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
