I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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