Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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