sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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