I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
