I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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