She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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