Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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