I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
