Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My bed smells like the plague
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
