So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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