my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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