From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
