I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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