I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
