dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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