Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize