I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
