i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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