What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
