remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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