I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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