I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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