This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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