I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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