wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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