I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
