i think my tv is drunk
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she told me i tasted like america
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
