Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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