Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
