one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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