worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
