Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
