I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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