Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
