Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
