I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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