I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
