Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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