I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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