Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
