The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
