i wish starbucks made bloody marys
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
