He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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