I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
