I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
