oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
