Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize