is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
