how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
