Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
