We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
