There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize