Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
