It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
