dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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